My New Laptop

I seem to start quite a few of me entries by either saying or thinking –

Women!

Did I tell you I got a new laptop? I did! Here’s how it happened….

Ever since Casey the WonderCorgi(tm) died, and his sister Gloria the Liquid Cat disappeared shortly after, we’ve been catdogless at DangerHouse. It’s not that we haven’t wanted another poop machine. It’s more that our lifestyle really made it tough sometimes keeping up with the responsibilities. Like, for instance, remembering to feed the fuckers while on a 4 day drunk. As that happens a lot now, we thought it best to hold off. Especially as authorities really put some teeth into animal cruelty laws recently.

But then came COVID-19.

I’ve actually enjoyed my COVID time so far. Granted I had to quash a few nagging feelings of guilt over whooping it up while 700-thousand of my fellow countrymen died in excruciating pain, gasping for air for days before then being denied even the small comfort of a loved one’s touch before expiring. But that was pretty easy.

I, meanwhile, have spent the last 2 years sitting on a comfy couch in a nicely appointed living room (ie: it has a bar!), only prying myself off during work hours. And that only entails walking to the next room, where I sit in an equally comfy office chair in front of a microphone and have fun lying to the masses. In between newscasts I can amble out to the kitchen and toss together a nice quiche to have with a French press coffee.

Pre-COVID, I had to spend 2 to 3 hours a day in a bouncing Subaru commuting to and from a not nearly as nicely appointed office, and drink tepid off-brand Keurig coffee pods.

I’ve also rather enjoyed saving money for once in my life. Do you know how much $3.60 per gallon 87-octane fossil fuel I pass through that Subaru every day when I commute? Let’s see, a hundred miles a day in a car that gets 25 miles to the gallon equals….THANK GOD FOR COVID dollars.

Plus, I get to bang NewWifey(tm) any time I want. No silly restriction like having to wait til after work, if a quicky during commercials will suffice.

Which means, of course, NewWifey(tm) has not had an idyllic time of it. I mean, yeah, the sex is great for her (I assume). But outside of that, she seems to have a few gripes. Like, “FOR GODSAKE, I AM SO SICK OF SEEING YOU! WHEN ARE THEY GONNA OPEN THE FUCKING BARS AT LEAST?!

Awwww. She’s so cute when she’s feigning murderous rage.

But ok. Maybe, just maybe, the inescapable presence of a mostly inert 200 pound lump on the couch every waking hour for the past 2 years has been a bit of an irritant. Especially as that lump hasn’t felt any particular urge to shower on a regular basis. Or flush.

So I suppose I shouldn’t have been surprised when a few months ago NewWifey(tm) started floating the idea of getting another pet. Being a considerate wife, she asked for my input first.

“I’m getting a pet” she said.

We decided we weren’t going to get another pet, remember? We both agreed it was for the best.”

I’m getting a pet whether you like it or not” she said. “Do you want a dog or a cat?

I know when I’m licked.

A cat” I said. “At least it can eat mice if we forget to feed it. Again.

“Fine” she said. “Then I’m going to the pound tomorrow to get a cat. And this time it’s going to be an indoor cat. I don’t want to fall in love with another pet that doesn’t return home one day. And it’s going to be female. I’m tired of looking at things trying to lick their balls all day.”

Ok. But make it a senior cat. Indoor cats can live over 20 years. I don’t want to be emptying litter boxes into my retirement. And make sure it’s healthy. A free cat that needs 600 dollars worth of vet visits is not a free cat.

I thought she was going to dismiss me out of hand, but to my surprise….

“Thats reasonable” she said. “Alright, I’ll pick out a healthy older cat. You go buy cat food, a litter box, and a cat tree while I’m gone.”

The next morning NewWifey(tm) left for the pound, and an hour later came back with a kitten. Male.

“It ran up to me and snuggled!” she said. “Snuggled!”

Bit…but…we agreed –

“Snuggled!”

I couldn’t argue that point, at least. As soon as it saw me the kitten ran over and started rubbing up against my shoe, purring like mad. I picked him up and he scrunched his face into mine.

He smelled awful.

Why does he stink so bad?” I asked.

“I guess he gets car sick” she said. “He threw up in the carrier on the way home. And had diarrhea. He was covered in it. I just wiped him off with a paper towel, but you can give him a bath later.”

The kitten coughed into my ear,

“Oh, and he coughs a lot” she added.

What ensued was two solid weeks of puking, diarrhea, coughing, and stinking. But at least he cuddled. Constantly. Which sucked, because he smelled like an open pit latrine and left a layer of sputum covering every surface he curled up on for more than a minute. Notably, my lap. Which was why on the 2nd day:

NewWifey(tm): “What should we name him?”

Me: “Dell.

New Wifey(tm): “Why ‘Dell’?”

Me. “He’s a laptop.”

So he’s Dell.

But like my other Dell, it turned out this one had a bad virus too. Among other things. When we finally got him to the vet, they informed us he had: intestinal parasites, an upper respiratory infection, butt worms, and something called “kennel cough”.

The bill for the lab work to determine all that, plus meds? I called it: $600.

For a free fucking cat.

A cat that we are now gonna have until I’m well into my retirement. That shits in a box that needs to be emptied. Every. Day.

But that’s not all. Guess who got to administer all the medications we came home with?

Not me!

NewWifey(tm) tasked herself with forcing eye dropper after eye dropper full of rank tasting goop down the cat’s throat THREE TIMES A DAY FOR A MONTH. I don’t think she trusted me not to strangle the thing by *cough* accident. To keep from suffering lacerations over 90 percent of her body, every episode started with her wrapping Dell up in a towel so tight his eyes bulged. Then she got a little metal cake icing spatula and wedged his mouth open with it while she rammed the dropper a good two inches down his little throat and squeezed the bulb.

Three times a day. For a month.

A month later he was cured. Solid poops. Worms dead. Lungs clear. Snot ejections ceased.

And he hated NewWifey(tm).

No surprise there, right? Getting a tube of foul tasting goo forced down your throat while being forcibly restrained does not lead to feelings of endearment. It would have been different if Dell was a girl of course. But no guy likes being treated like…well, like a girl.

I, however, did not subject Dell to such torment, which meant he still loved me. In fact, he loves me even more now. So much more that it’s driving me out of my fucking mind. He follows me everywhere, cries outside the bathroom door the entire time I’m taking a dump, brings me all the cave crickets he kills (or half kills), and leaps in front of me and grabs my ankles when I walk down the hall to the bedroom at night, trying to stop me.

Not only that, he insists on joining me at work. He lays on my desk while I’m on the air, not moving for anything until my shift is over. It wasn’t much of a problem when we first brought him home and he wasn’t much bigger than a can of soup, but he is now pushing 20 pounds and 2 feet long, plus tail. I have nowhere to put my morning mimosa now! I call him my co-host on WCAT. I hope the fame doesn’t go to his head – the head I constantly have to scritch or he pulls my hand to his face with a set of inch long claws.

To say NewWifey(tm) is upset by this is an understatement. She wanted an older female cat that would cuddle with her, and she ended up with a young male cat that runs away screaming at the sight of her.

So I shouldn’t have been surprised when she said yesterday, “I want to get a dog. One that cuddles with me. An older dog that doesn’t need to walk for hours on end to be happy. And it’s gotta be healthy. Oh, and a short hair breed this time. Casey the WonderCorgi(tm) shed so much it looked like it was snowing inside the house half the time. It also has to be crate trained because….”

WOMEN!

Here’s some pics.

Dell Trots to Me-5-DN-clear

Graham Pad 2 (1 of 1)-DeNoiseAI-severe-noise

Dell on Arm 2-1-DeNoiseAI-clear

Dell Looks Up Right-2

Dell Watching iPad_

And his very first kill:

Cricket stacked-40mm

This is WCAT, signing off.

Ciao!

Dell Through Slats LG crop 2-SharpenAI-Softness

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33 thoughts on “My New Laptop

  1. The black cat is your familiar, right? His coat color even matches your soul. He had to get in one more financial dig before turning things around.

    In all seriousness, glad you’re profiting from the pandemic. Well, not the pandemic itself, but its side effects. When I started working from home, we calculated it saved us an average of 500 a month. It wasn’t only the gas, oil changes, etc.; it was eating home-cooked meals instead of eating out; it was having more time to focus on other money-making processes, etc. I know you already cooked, but something tells me it isn’t all filet mignon and truffles. I love luxurious meals as well as the next person, but there are days I want Midwestern goulash or even – gasp! – shredded BBQ pork sammies and mashed sweet potatoes (hold any kind of sweetner on the yams, please).

    Erm… maybe the second wasn’t the best example of cheap meals, but you know what I mean.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I HAVE NO SOUL!! He does match my wife’s mood, though 🙂 Oh god, I love shredded BBQ sandwiches! BBQ was never a strong suit on the East Coast during my youth, so when I finally tried the real stuff after marrying my midwestern trailer trash honey, it was an absolute revelation. I envy you!

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      1. Well I make it, though I admit to being lazy and using bottled sauce. BBQ ribs are excellent when made in the oven btw. You can do it and your midwestern trailer trash honey would probably love it.

        1. Grab a rack of ribs
        2. Cut off the membrane (if still on)
        3. S&P, wrap in foil, and shove it into the oven for about 3 hours at 275.
        4. Pull from oven, partly rewrap, and drown in BBQ sauce of choice, then put back into the oven for at least half an hour. This is not the time to finesse. Drown those ribs in sugary-tomatoey sauce, and reserve some more – heated – when it’s done.
        5. By cooking this way, the meat falls off the bones. It’s stupid-easy and SO GOOD.

        I love a spicy sauce. Of the bottled, Masterpiece spicy is my favorite (provided you can find it). Unfortunately my stomach has betrayed me and decided it can no longer handle spicy. If you don’t do spicy, and willing to do a bottled sauce, Sweet Baby Ray’s (original) is good. It’s on Amazon but WAY overpriced.

        Liked by 1 person

          1. Lol! Yeah, the Monday Malaise strikes us all. No explanation needed 🙂

            One thing about midwestern trailer trash: they are, without exception, BBQ gods. Or so NewWifey(tm) tells me. As she grew up in KC, MO (aka: Mecca), and has family members up and down the line who have participated in, and occasionally taken trophies at, the American Royal BBQ Championships, she made no delay teaching me how to make ribs, burnt ends, brisket, etc., in the massive combo grill and smoker that now takes up 80% of my back porch. Of course, this being northern NJ it can only be used maybe 5 months a year. The rest of the time it’s oven baked, and my own recipe is pretty similar to yours.

            Basically, I coat the meat in liquid smoke (my secret component!) then a dry rub and spritz it with oil. Then I plastic wrap it and let it infuse for at least an hour. Then onto a rack on a half sheet – I don’t wrap mine – at 225. During the last hour I brush on a thin coating of BBQ sauce every 15 – 20 minutes. I know it’s traditional to give it a blast of high heat to crust the outside during the end, but I always skip that.

            BTW, NewWifey(tm) makes it a point to lug home a suitcase full of small batch BBQ sauce every time she heads west for family or business. She used to like KC Masterpiece, but it’s now made in California by a large concern (check the label), so that’s off the menu. We get absolutely killer sauces from BBQ artisans, and some of the better KC joints like Smokestack and Gates (although I have to admit I’m not overly fond of Gates’ style). Anyway, thanks for making me feel absolutely famished now! If we ever get together, I want to try your ribs 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Deal!

              I like to wrap my ribs because it keeps them moist. They get dried out if you don’t wrap them for at least most of the cook time. And mmmm… artisan BBQ sounds heavenly. I haven’t had the KC Masterpiece in forever because my stomach no longer tolerates the spicy. I think they also may have discontinued their spicy line, which was the only one of theres I wanted anyway.

              Whilst typing here earlier, I was making plans for BBQ at my house today. I mentioned it to the spousal unit and he’s been drooling ever since.

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    1. Yeah, but considering he was billed as a FREE FUCKING CAT, 600-clams is an absolute rip-off. Bait and switch, it was! We got a broken cat! No warrantee, either. And the fact that it’s gonna be pooping inside our house for the next 20-odd years doesn’t soften that blow, either. Did I mention he also eats like a teenage human boy (ie: me)? That additional expense alone compiled over the next two decades will probably equal the price of a new mistress’ hotel expenses! Not worth it. Not worth that at all.

      You want a cat…? 🙂

      Like

  2. Dell is a beautiful cat! I run a small RV park in SE Arizona and we have 16 cats, all feral (other than my own cat, Milo) and 96% fixed. I still need to trap two females and then their two kittens so I can get them fixed. I found a Vet about 50 miles from me that is fixing all of the cats for free as long as I bring them back to the property to live out their lives. Works for me, but shit – 16 cats?! Oy. I’m surprised that your gorgeous wife held out as long as she did in not replacing your other pets, or has she been in restraints this entire time…hmmm? It’s always a treat seeing your name pop up in my email because it means that you have written something that will amuse the hell outta me, and as usual – you have. I hope all is well with you and big red and WTH – happy 2022!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. WOOOOO! Someone other than a woman laughed at me for once! WOOOOOOOOOO!! Lol, thanks for the nice words, man.

      SIXTEEN CAT…and counting?? Dude, I like pussy too, but… Anyway, good on ya for helping out the little buggers. Really. I’d have my place crawling with them too if I had the room (and budget). That’s a great vet service, right there. I gotta say, I wish that were a profession-wide practice. Again, good on ya!

      To answer your question about NewWifey(tm) (who appreciates and agrees with your assessment of her aesthetics): she was absolutely heartbroken when our previous too pets died/disappeared, and balked at the prospect of ever going through that again, and we both really did realize that our lifestyle had evolved to where it wouldn’t be fair to the pet to take one on. But as you see, neither argument seemed to be a factor in her decision to get Dell. Or to put it another way, “Why did the woman cross the road? Ans: Why do women do anything.”

      Thanks for the rockin’ note!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes and yes, Annoyingly Observant One. Mindnight also walked out our door one night and never came back. Shortly after my last post about him, in fact. And yes, Dell is an indoor only cat…except when I sneak him out to take stunningly handsome portrait photos of him looking up into the sky. Don’t tell NewWifey(tm). Thanks.

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      1. *snicker* You have enough groveling sycophants already, you need my biting observations. He really is a gorgeous beast though. Outside of the US and Germany, black kats are considered — rightfully — to be lucky.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Probably a good idea.

        My brother and his wife have 2 female Bouviers and they’re strong enough to pull you off your feet if you’ve got them on a leash or knock you over if they jump up on you. They live in the county on 39 acres with a wooded area at the back of the property. Doggy heaven.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. We got a kitten last year. Adorable little rescue. Snuck over to my empty bowl of pumpkin soup, licked it out, and SHIT HERSELF INSIDE OUT. Seriously, I don’t know how much poop could come out of such a tiny kitten. She shit on every floor of the house, and in every single bed. It was real………………..shitty.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. HAHA! I had the same thought about ours! “How can an 8 inch long, 3 pound kitten pump out a 14 inch long, 5 pound log? It defies physics!” Lol – I hope your little stinker eventually got better. Or at least learned to use the toilet.

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      1. She got better, happily. Unhappily, sometimes she spooks when using the litter box and dashes around the house, scattering poop nuggets. Sigh. At least it’s not diarrhea.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m sending this to a friend of mine who had both her cats die within a year of each other. She swears she isn’t getting any more pets too. I wonder if her husband has surreptitiously started nosing around the local pound on the sly as well? Hopefully she can cut him off at the pass, unlike you!

    Very funny, though. So, hopefully that is some measure of comfort. Enjoy the dog you are about to own as well.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Tom, if your name is indeed Tom,

    I don’t understand it, I have vague recollection of it, but every year around this time I get an email from Birthday Alarm that it’s your birthday. I really don’t know why. I think maybe we used to correspond, but that was probably in the early 2000’s.

    Happy birthday, if indeed it is your birthday

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow, Vickki! Your name didn’t ring a bell at first…but then it did! I remembered you when I saw your last name listed in your Instagram. We used to correspond a bit back in the old DiaryLand days.

      I checked through my Hotmail archives and the first email I found from you was in February 2007, and it begins “Tom!! I love you! Where the hell have you been? 🙂 You need to get me on messenger or something, I don’t use Diaryland any more :\ “! And you listed your blackstartenshi account and other social info.

      *sob* I can’t believe you don’t remember me after all that we meant to each other…. LOL!!

      But hey, thanks for reaching out THIS time with cool birthday wishes (which is next week, but you get full credit anyway). I hope you’re well in these nutty days. I must add also that your Goth biz looks pretty cool! All the best, kiddo 🙂

      Like

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