Power of Attorney

In Shakespeare’s Henry VI, Part 2, Act IV, Scene 2, the nefarious character ‘Dick The Butcher’ says, “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers” when describing his version of Utopia.

Now, far be it from me to be so presumptuous as to correct the Bard on a matter of such importance. After all, how many of my sonnets are still being forced down the throats of self-important MFA candidates? Only 4, that’s how many. Shakespeare has at least 7.

But this time I am going to suggest – DEMAND – a correction. Dick should say, The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers. Except one.

That one exception? The lawyer who just kicked the shit out of St. Anthony of Padua.

That’s right, Tony. You AND your stupid, rapacious, namesake hospital just got canonized right up the ass by a 5-foot-4, 20-something “Legally Blonde” wanna-be.

I should mention here that I’ve just started drinking heavily in celebration. All vocabulary, grammar, and spelling errors should be addressed to the previous sentence. (NewWifey(tm) is away on a weekend stitching retreat in support of her business. But we just chatted, and she’s now getting hammered as well.)

Yeah, so we just got a letter from our lawyer telling us that St. Anthony Shithead Hospital has agreed not only to stop trying to squeeze the financial lifeblood out of us, but we also don’t even have to pay the insurance corrected amount for the test procedure, AND they’re paying our lawyer fee. (If you’re new here and curious what I’m on about, click this.)

FUCK yeah. In your face, patron saint of Portugal. (A lovely country, otherwise.)

Amazing what a bit of letterhead can do. Our lawyer made the EXACT same argument to the EXACT same people we did before we hired her. But because the top of her written correspondenceΒ  starts with “From The Law Office Of…..” instead of “From the Basement of Dangerspouse’s Mom’s House“, they snapped to attention. A few counter-offers were proposed by the hospital, offering to let us off the hook if we paid various percentages of the original bill. But our little girly-girl lawyer told them where they could stick their offers, finally demanding they dismiss the whole thing or take it to trial. St. Anthony may be a money grubbing bastard, but his lawyers aren’t stupid. They dropped the whole thing. Smart move.

I can’t tell you how relieved I am. Not because the emotional tidal wave has rendered me unable to verbalize the enormity of what I feel. It’s because the Maker’s Mark is finally kicking in and I’m starting to have trouble focusing on the keyboard. So I gotta wrap this up.

I’ll just add that there are a lot of things to love about America, Trump & Co. not withstanding. I mean, I’d stay here just for the BBQ flavored pork rinds if it came down to it. Sure beats balut. But goddam, why does the country that’s not only the richest in the world but also the one that has it in writing that its government is “of, by, and for the people”, seem so intent on killing us unless we’re wealthy? It horrifies me to imagine what would happen to my blogging buddy AnnaNotBob4 if she lived on this side of the Pond, given her and her daughter’s distressing health and economic travails. They wouldn’t stand a chance without the NHS, or a system like it. In other words, they wouldn’t stand a chance here.

I know how lucky I am here. If my friend and co-worker didn’t happen to be a lawyer, I wouldn’t have stood a chance either. Bankruptcy, and probably refugee status, would have been a very probable outcome. There would have been no respite, and all because NewWifey(tm) got sick.

So…fuck you Saint Anthony. Fuck you Shakespeare. And fuck you still Orville and Wilbur.

Alright, enough. My BAL must be 1.2% at least by now. I’m heading off to sleep the Sleep of the Just for the first time in three years. I feel like a 200 pound saint has been lifted off my shoulders.

Oh, and just for good measure: fuck you Portugal. Your patron saint is a dick. And has lousy lawyers. You’re better than that, with your eponymous wine and cork trees and pork-and-clam national dish. Drop the loser shaman already, willya? You don’t need the financial hit. (Although if he does come after you, I know a good lawyer. Gimme a call.)

Good night, kids. Stay healthy.

.

Oh wait – I gotta add this!

My loooooooong time blogging buddy HCatty – who now no longer blogs because SHE GOT HERSELF KNOCKED UP AND FOR SOME REASON THINKS BRINGING UP HER “LITTLE DUMPLING” IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN KEEPING ME AMUSED WITH HER WRITINGS – sent me this out of the blue:

Hey Corgious bag and shirt

Actually she just sent me the tote bag, but I coudn’t resist propping it with the corgi shirt I got NewWifey(tm) for Christmas (10 bonus points if you know the anime it’s from).

How stinkin’ cute is that, huh? NewWifey(tm) and I both cracked up when we saw it. HCatty was around way back when Casey The Wonder Corgi featured large in many of my blog entries, and so this was a very thoughtful and touching gift. Thank you, HCatty, I’ll never forget it. I’ll also never use it, since NewWifey(tm) has already laid claim to it. Sheesh. (BTW, I promised HCatty I’d send something back in return, out of gratitude. But I’m a man, and all men lie to women. Sorry, H.)

Ok, NOW to bed.

Ciao!

.

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50 thoughts on “Power of Attorney

  1. We can all hate lawyers, until we need one that helps everyone to see the obvious. We can hate pharmaceuticals until we need medication or two for life to have it in the first place and add some quality. We definitely can hate banks, but I don’t, because without them we would never had our own house. The best thing is to never need all of the above, but that’s utopia, isn’t it?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My grandparents from my mom’s side were born and raised in Portugal.. corolarium: I hope you have a real good lawyer, because I’m gonna sue you for emotional distress when reading your blog… I mean, it was like a knife stuck in my heart.

    I literally scream. (nice expression, by the way…. can one scream non-literally? virtually? internetically?)

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    1. HA! Your puny illegal immigrant mall lawyer is no match for my pit bull Jersey Girl barrister. Bring it, beyotch! The only tort proceeding you’ll be having success with is with a torte!

      Hmmm. Good question about whether a scream can a non-verbal one. I know most women I’ve met have said they died in agony a little when they got to know me better, so if something as dramatic as that can be figurative I suppose a scream could be also.

      πŸ™‚

      Like

        1. How DARE you be serious, madam. And to think I used to respect you….

          But yeah, I agree. I feel sorry for them, too. I mean, our hospital was in the wrong and they KNEW they were in the wrong, but they felt they could act with impunity and take us for everything we had because it’s too expensive for most people to fight these things. We just lucked out by happening to know a lawyer who would represent us for far less than the going rate. Others – and according to my physician buddy there are MANY others – are not so fortunate, and have to unjustly pay up. It’s an absolute disgrace. (If you get sick, fly back to Brazil for treatment!! Or even, *sigh*, Portugal.)

          Liked by 1 person

  3. So happy you won out against Our Lady of Merciless!!! Yes, horrible horrible what the pharmaceutical companies and medical institutions are getting away with. Meanwhile their own corporate salaries go up and up and up and their taxes go down and down and down.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh thank duck for that. (What is it with iPhones that they think we want to talk about aquatic birds all the time?) Thank FUCK. Yeah, we’d be dead, me and my girl. Entering week 3 of pneumonia (following one week of gastric flu) and very grateful for two free hospital interludes, including a free ambulance, and free meds. You need to be angry with the US – it’s the only industrialised nation that lets its citizens die of curable diseases. So glad you found a way through. X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I initially wrote “If Anna lived here we’d be reading her obituary, not her updates”. But then I remembered how you eviscerated me when I said I wasn’t a sexist pig even though I make sexist pig jokes. So I got worried you’d call me a necrophiliac, or worse, if I was perceived to be making light of death. So I erased and sanitized. Now I see I needent have, lol….

      I am indeed very angry at the US as regards this continuing, entrenched insistence on Profit Uber Alles, even if it means the life of its citizens. And I’m just as angry at Americans who are duped into accepting the “Free Market!” argument for it as unassailable. This is what happens when we de-fund public education….

      Thanks very much Anna, and I do hope your ailment finally starts taking a turn for the better shortly! (And don’t worry, I have a very high tolerance for aquatic fowl references.) x

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  5. First and most importantly – CONGRATULATIONS. That’s awesome. I don’t want to kill all the lawyers either – just the 99% that give the 1% a bad name. Because there’s still that good 1%, and you found one of them.

    Interesting thing about socialized medicine – I work in the healthcare field and the closer we get to socialized medicine the more people are aced out of getting care for one bureaucratic reason or another. I used to live right near the Canadian border. They had socialized medicine. Twenty years ago, people kept coming south to get care from US doctors. Not so much anymore. So there’s a fair bit of fixing that still needs to be done all around and I’m not convinced that a single payer system is it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the congrats! I’ll drink to that! Lol…

      Wow, that was an interesting perspective. I still think single payer is the way to go, although admitting kinks will need to be worked out. But isn’t that the way anything progresses? You try to improve on something, and it occurs in steps over time. I’m willing to go through that gradual improvement, personally, because ANYTHING has to be better than the current cruel morass of a health care system that’s been foisted on us.

      πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah, there is a lot wrong with the current system, and I’ll completely agree with that. I think part of it could by improved by shortening the time a medication can stay patented, so that it will encourage generics to be made and increase competition, thus driving the prices down. I think perhaps overhauling the medical education system would help too, so that you don’t have to get into hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of debt just to practice, and then have to pay all that off. The insurance companies need some work as well so we can get back to the point twenty years ago when you could still talk to a doctor for more than fifteen minutes. And malpractice insurance probably needs an overhaul too, so that doctors aren’t having to spend so much on that. If you look back fifty years, say, the cost of healthcare was significantly lower and you could even get perks like housecalls. With improved tests and incredible technology like we have, we might be able to get to that – if we cam somehow get profiteering under control. Adding a lot of government control and oversight will just add waste to the equation because when government does everything, then they add in a lot of extra spending that doesn’t need to be there, and bureaucracy also adds cost, which is then paid by the taxpayers, introducing even more waste. I don’t have a perfect solution either but I’d like to see more research in these areas. Anyway, sorry for the novel. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Ow! My brain! IT’S NOT EVEN NOON!!

          Lol. I’m gonna go ahead and pretend like I’m smart enough to understand the majority of what you wrote and say, “Yes! I agree! (Although I’m one of those idiots who thinks more government control is welcome if it keeps profit motivated corporations out of businesses where people might die.)”

          I’ll re-read this when I’ve had 7 more cups of coffee and can actually focus for that long.

          πŸ˜‰

          Liked by 2 people

    1. I was thinking of you and your description of how morbid his shrine was when I wrote this. Thanks, Martha!

      And…is it true? You really are leaving us? I read your entry, but refused to like it. And too distraught to leave a comment. It’s not a joke…?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ll post when I have something to say. πŸ™‚ More like your style than the daily post thing. As far as hospitals, you might get less elaborate care but be less likely to be ripped off by St. Anthony of the Desert. Of course, it’s just one room in a cave, but…

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I was about halfway through a massive soliloquy on the evils of Big Medicine, but decided to scratch the record back and just say I’m glad you’re home free on this one. Here’s hoping you and Wifey remain healthy and happy and drunk. Alcohol kills germs, anyway, ya know?

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Yay for the good lawyers!! Hospitals are a mixed blessing, indeed. Mom was a floor nurse for 42 years. Mostly in pediatrics…she will be sainted eventually. I do agree the whole damned system needs to be adjusted, but mass update is as ugly as letting the greedy make out while doing nothing.

    Sigh. If I got three wishes, I’d have to think about how to phrase ‘…the foresight to make a plan to get healthcare working for all, without bankrupting the populace, and without letting the rich make all the money and STILL not pay taxes…’

    I am going back to being grammie for a while. Maybe even get to go shopping at some point, as I am not on the East Coast at the moment…:-)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s another thing. Nurses are some of the most undervalued, UNDERPAID, professionals on this planet. Your mom WILL be sainted when I’m finally elevated to at least demigod status – her and all her angelic white smocked compatriots. It’s an absolute disgrace that they as a whole are not recognized and celebrated universally and constantly for the often thankless, yet lifesaving, work that they do. And do with such skill. Ye, I say unto you.

      Oooo, you’re going shopping? Bring me back sock garters! Paisley, please. Thanks!

      Like

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