Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute

Things have been rather tense at the ol’ Radio Ranch lately.

A few months ago we heard rumor that our network had just lost our biggest client, one of the nation’s largest radio groups. We heard about it first in an online trade magazine since, of course, the “communications industry” does not communicate directly with its employees.

The rumor turned out to be true. The radio group’s contract was up for renewal, but we were underbid by a start-up network. Starting this morning, April 1st, we are no longer on their airwaves for the first time in almost 30 years. Thirty years! .

I can’t tell you what a big deal this is for our company. About a third of our radio announcers are employed exclusively to service this group, with almost another third performing ancillary functions for them. Come this morning, they have nothing to do.

But here’s the weird thing. None of us have been told what to do. You’d think someone in management would mention, at least in passing, which of us should come to work on Monday and which of us should grab our passport because we’re being given a one-way ticket to Dumpsilvania.

As I mentioned a few posts back, we lost everything in the Crash of ’07. Ten years later we’re at least no longer contemplating letting Chinese black marketers harvest our organs so we can make a mortgage payment. But we’re not so far out of the woods yet that we’ve taken them off speed dial, either. If I lose this gig, some hard choices await us. Like: food or porn. Can’t have both, at least not with the severance package our union negotiated.

Needless to say, I can’t breathe.

The same thoughts keep spinning around in my head. Middle aged. No real skill other than the ability to talk for hours non-stop about absolutely nothing. Overweight. Halitosis. Bad fashion sense. Addicted to midget porn.

And that’s just my wife. I’m even worse.


Forgive me if this isn’t/wasn’t much of an entry. I really am almost paralyzed by fear here. Yeah, I might be one of the lucky ones they keep on. But because the consequences will be so dire if I’m not, you know that’s all my brain keeps running in a continuous loop. I mean, what will I do if I’m kicked to the curb? There are no radio jobs out there any more, and it’s been so long since I cooked professionally I’d have to start back as Vomit Cleanup Boy again.

I guess I could prostitute myself. It may not be the most stable of professions, but at least it’s all-you-can-eat, and you set your own hours. And NewWifey(tm) is almost ridiculously over qualified to be my pimp, seeing as she’s already armed and owns a hat with a long peacock feather in it. All I’d really need to do is find an emergency care proctologist who takes my HMO.

Can I sigh again here?



On the other hand, there was one bit of brightness that broke through my inner gloom this morning.

My buns!

I steeped a couple of Earl Grey teabags in a cup of hot water to make a double-strong brew, then used that liquid to make some breakfast buns for NewWifey(tm). (This is all part of my ongoing “if it doesn’t kill the yeast, you can make bread out of it” experiment.)

Check it out:

Earl Grey Buns 2

I had a lot of fun making these, playing around with different shapes and sizes. Basically, I broke the dough into smaller balls, rolled those balls into flat ribbons, sprinkled each ribbon with a bit of brown sugar, then rolled each back up. Oh – and I zested some orange peel into the dough. Gave them more of a Lady Grey flavor than straight Earl Grey, if you’re up on your tea flavors.

They came out really good, although next time I think I’ll skip the zest. I love the bergamot flavor of Earl Grey, and the orange kinda overwhelmed it a bit. Also, they never browned as much as loaf bread made from the same (non-tea) dough, even though the internal temperature hit the same 195. Maybe it was…actually I have no idea. They just didn’t brown as much as bread. Didn’t affect the crumb or flavor, though. NewWifey(tm) was eating them like a chipmunk, stuffing new ones in her cheeks before swallowing the first one. They were good.

Ok, breakfast is over and I can’t think of anything else to write. So…back to worrying.

Wish me luck.





30 thoughts on “Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute

  1. Hey, local food movement needs chefs to keep people interested in what is being produced on local small farms. Those chef skills may be useful

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I have a funny feeling that’s one of those things that sounds good in theory, but in practice the two or three places like that in a hundred mile radius either have a cook, ARE cooks, or couldn’t be bothered. Good idea, though 🙂


      1. Thanks for that, Martha. The locovore movement seems to be taking hold in a number of areas. We even have a highly regarded locovore restaurant just down the road from us, and it’s always busy. I’ll be sure to check that link out now 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m thinking that with your writing skills, you could make more than a few quick bucks with blogging for websites. If those yahoos over at The Onion can get paid, you could be ballin’ in “short order”.

    …pun intended 😂

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I’d buy those buns… you could make dough to make dough. Open a niche bakery where NewWifey could have all her old lady embroidery fangirls come in and eat cake, bread, etc and buy her samplers. You’ll be rolling in it in no time!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. If the radio gig tanks, talk to me. I transitioned successfully and while I won’t pretend to make the kind of money you make, I also don’t have the kind of bills that come from living on the East Coast. I’ll start boning up on the job market – albeit might require your move cross-country, worst case scenario. Keep the world posted, willya?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You have been an angel from the day I met you. Thank you.

      If the worst happens, I’ll pick your brain as I know you’ve been there before yourself. Hopefully I won’t need to, but it’s at least some succor knowing I know someone like you 🙂

      Luvs ya, kiddo 🙂


  5. I am a full on catastrophe thinker so I don’t think I’m much help to you at the moment BUT you can always hold an earl grey bake sale in the short term with those delicious looking buns if NewWifey doesn’t eat them all!

    Seriously though, hope they keep you around. Obviously I’ve never heard you on the air but if you’re anything like you are on your blog it would be a big loss to them if they were to let you go.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank, Quinn. I appreciate that.

      And yeah, seriously, what the fuck are they thinking getting rid of their Big Star? STAR, I tell you!! Hopefully they’ll come to their senses and not deprive the eager masses of my dulcet tones and massive sense of modesty.


      Liked by 1 person

  6. We’ve been out of town for most of the week and I’m just catching up. I am disturbed about your post. What is the deal…you walk in the door tomorrow morning and maybe someone will be there to let you know the outcome? A lousy way to totally control the employees. Actually far worse. You probably won’t read this until tomorrow, but I am certainly hoping for the best!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey, thank you so much for the sweet bit of indignation on my part! (Although I should take you to task for not checking in even while away. It’s a course requirement, remember?) But seriously, thank you for that.

      And get this – I’m writing you from work, and…I still have no idea what’s going on. There was no rep from the company here, no notices posted on The Board, nuthin’. There were a few schedule changes we were apprised of over the weekend, and a few personnel changes (a couple of announcers were pro-active and jumped ship), but otherwise, there’s a bunch of us here in our radio studios just kinda scratching our heads wondering if we’re actually getting paid for today.

      Hopefully I’ll have more – and more positive – news to report at the end of my shift. I’ll keep you posted.

      Thanks again for the well wishes. That did mean a lot to me 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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