The Heat is On. (Or, “My Wife is Better Than Yours” vol. MCMXXI)


I’ve caught the dreaded Lurgy.

I woke up on Monday with a skritchity feeling in my throat, and as the day went on “skritchity” advanced to “flames”.

I was sick. Am sick.

Here’s a silly bit of trivia about morning drive radio jobs: you’re highly discouraged from calling out sick when you’re sick. If when I wake at 3am I determine I have a cold or a missing limb or something and would like a day to recoup (or regrow), I have to phone my Program Director – who does NOT normally wake at 3am – and then he has to call various people in the hopes that one of them will wake at 3am, drive to Armpit, NJ, and immediately start yakking away all bright and chipper as if they weren’t still in the pajamas they didn’t have time to change out of.

I don’t call out sick.

But I’m sick.

And so on Monday, because I was sick and really wanted a steaming hot shower to break up the concrete in my lungs, of course our water heater broke. I had just gotten home from work and was literally just beginning the traditional Pathetic Sick Husband Whine to NewWifey(tm) when we were startled by a loud “KLANK – BANG!” from the basement. NewWifey(tm) immediately leaped out of her chair and sprinted down the stairs. “Oh, shiiiiiiit” was all I heard.

She came trudging back up the stairs with a look of resigned acceptance. “It’s dead” she said. “We need a new water heater.”

As the husband and Man of the House, I knew exactly what she expected me to do.

“Well, I’m going to bed” I said. And I did. NewWifey(tm) neither expects, nor desires, my help in these matters. I retreated to the bedroom to play Animal Crossing on my DSi until the NyQuil-and-Gin cocktail kicked in and I drifted off to sleep.

When I got up at 3am for work I went into the bathroom and saw this:

Don't Flush!

Don’t pee?? That’s like saying “don’t watch porn”. It’s a biological imperative!

I lifted the lid. There was pee and toilet paper in there. Aha. I knew what was going on.

I went out into the kitchen and sure enough there was another note taped to the sink:

Honey – I drove to Lowe’s and bought a new water heater last night. But when I installed it I found the intake valve at the top was bad. I won’t be able to buy one til later today, so until then we have no running water at all. If you have to pee, use the back bathroom and don’t flush. Or go write in the snow – see how many digits of pi you can get up to. I’ll use the front bathroom. Thanks.

I walked down the stairs and into the garage, where I saw this:

Water Heater, bad

That’s the old water heater. She’s already yanked it out. The new one is in the box on the right, ready to go.

When I came home that afternoon I walked through the basement and saw this:

Water Heater, new

That was a good sign.

So I walked upstairs and into the front bathroom.

Where I saw this:

Flush! 2

So I did. Finally got my nice hot shower, too.

It’s nice having a husband around the house.

(BTW, for those of you who are interested: I made it to 3.1415926535897932 before dribbling. Top that, ladies.)

Bonus Footage:

I wish I’d been there to take a picture of my little Flower of Womanhood while she was manhandling that new water heater into position and hooking it up. But I wasn’t, so instead I’ll reprise a picture I posted previously of her replacing the exhaust in our Ford Escape. Gives you an idea why I don’t interfere – if you interrupt an expert, you can only make matters worse, right? (BTW, that’s her natural eye color):


Ok, gotta wrap this up and do Man of the House stuff. Dinner doesn’t make itself, you know. And I still have to decide on place settings for next month’s quilting bee with my buddies. You women have no idea what we go through….




29 thoughts on “The Heat is On. (Or, “My Wife is Better Than Yours” vol. MCMXXI)

  1. I also have the dreaded Lurgy, but given that it’s spring break, I didn’t have to call anyone. I’ve just been lying here, wasting my break and trying to avoid swallowing at all costs. I need a NewWifey.


    1. “Trying to avoid swallowing at all cost” sounds like every girl I dated in college. I hope you feel better, but if you don’t, shoot me out your address and I’ll mail her out. Just return her when you’re done.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. She sounds like one hell of a woman! One that I strive to be myself. My Fella and I have a pretty similar arrangement as far as household chores, though I tend to stay away from plumbing since the time I flooded my parents’ laundry room by changing a filter… Don’t ask. It must be a red head thing… 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, she is. Did you see our wedding photo I posted? Lol….

      Pre-recording a show would be AWESOME. Also impossible. Unless I found a good, reliably psychic. Almost half my shift involves me being a news anchor. Kinda tough (for me anyway, if history is any indication) predicting what’s gonna happen in this insane world day to day.

      Still…know any good psychics?

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Your wife is awesome. I never even had a husband who could do that stuff — wait, yes I did, the problem was he never FINISHED. When (11 years after our divorce) I sold the house, it still had a lot of half-done stuff. I had to earn a living…

    Hope your sore throat is gone. BTW, I taught 7 am classes. No one wanted me to call in sick, either.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think “half finished” is worse than “didn’t attempt”. What a jerk, leaving you with all that! Glad you’re free of that luggage. Sheesh.

      Lol, yeah, I can see where you were caught in the same trap. You get so many sick days per year, but good luck trying to use any of them!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. My cure for the Lurgy was a shot of peppermint schnappes, followed by a hot shower (the steam is key here). Granted, I don’t normally do alcohol, so a shot of that and I no longer CARED if I had the Lurgy. However, it also did wonders for restoring my voice when said voice had taken a massive dump, and went a long way to shortening my bouts with the creeping crud, too. Given that by now you’re probably largely immune to the effects of anything alcoholic it might not help, but couldn’t hurt to try.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Good! hey, while you’re there, I’m about to make a vat of chicken soup for my pal having chemo. Normally I’d make stock from the carcass of a previously roasted chicken, but as this is all going to soup is there any benefit flavour-wise of roasting it first and using the bones for stock, as opposed to using the whole raw bird for the stock and picking the boiled meat of to go in the soup? Oh mighty cheffy person? x


        1. Lol. Good question, Young Glasshoppa!

          Forgive the brevity here, and any gaps replying, as I’m at work writing news and generally being a Big Fucking Media Star whislt I’m doing this. You know how it is.

          “Benefit” is relative here. There is a flavor (and slight textural) difference between stock/broth made from roast and raw chicken. Roast chicken stock is generally thinner (most of the collagen, etc. has been cooked out) and has a – you guessed it – somewhat roasted flavor. It’s also a lighter flavor as, again, a certain amount has been lost during previous heating. That’s a benefit if that’s the flavor you’re looking for, and is a better match for certain soups and sauces.

          I think if you were looking for a richer flavor, more body, and generally more calories and nutrients to prop up a sick person, a raw chicken base might be more desireable. I’m not a mighty medical person, but since this is the internet I feel safe in asserting that without fear of challenge.

          So to recap: they’re different, but overall equal. Whichever flavor you prefer is the one you should make, as there is otherwise no inherent quality difference between them.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Brilliant. I’ll give boiling it a go – I’ve never done it that way as I love roast chicken so much. I only simmer roast bones (with all the veg and herbs and shit) for an hour so have never suffered boney stock. Can’t believe you’re at work when you should be tucked up in bed. Glad we both made it to chatty wordpress. This kind of conversation would try the patience of a saint on our beloved d’land, especially with no notifications. OK, off to the shops now. Laters x

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Lol. Yeah, this series of back-and-forths would have played out over several days using the D-Land system.

              Hey listen, one thing I must mention after reading your reply here. Consider making just a stock first (the chicken meat and bones with only minimal aromatics – an onion stuck with a couple of cloves, a bay leaf or two, some peppercorns – and then make the soup from THAT. If you have the time, that does make a difference.

              If you don’t have the time…it doesn’t 😉

              Now hurry along to the shops, young lady!

              (And I don’t call in sick to work unless I’m too sick to use the phone. Ironic, isn’t it?)


              Liked by 1 person

              1. Well that’s what I was going to do… I’m not as experienced or knowledgeable as you but I’m pretty damn good! Many thanks. really off now…. byeee x

                Liked by 1 person

  5. Ooh, I just remembered something you will want to keep in mind (although you may know this already). You don’t want to simmer the bones of a previously roasted chicken as long as you would a raw chicken. As much of the protective barding around the bones have cooked off, it takes less time for the hot water to start leeching out of the bones, producing a flaw known as “boney” stock. I generally simmer raw chicken stock on the bone for 3 – 5 hours tops (depending on the amount of chicken I have), but rarely go over 2 hours if I start with a roast bird. Hope that helps 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. The Husband does both the husband’s and the wife’s chores around here :-(. Sadly he can’t cook worth a damn. More sadly, he doesn’t listen to any suggestions I make. I am turning both of the daughters here into good cooks as well as good all-around fix-it types. The sons, you guessed it, don’t listen to a word I say. Now I’m just trying to teach them to say “yes, dear.” That way they’ll be able to support the role of husband, right?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow, thanks for leaving me a comment! I know how hard it is for you to type these days. I’m flattered.

      Lol, c’mon, crack that whip! Hubby CAN be a good cook, he’s obviously just not trying. I’ll tell you what – when I leave America over Trump, I’ll come stay with you until he’s voted out and spend my time teaching your entire clan how easy and fun it is to whip up gourmet delights. We can do this!!


      Liked by 2 people

      1. Leave America over Trump? Don’t be silly. Come here and cook for us (we keep kosher btw) regardless of who’s president! I’ll even put up a mobile home since you don’t want to live in our laps. Or do you? I’ll warn the daughters just in case… 😉

        Liked by 1 person

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