The Trouble with Banana Pudding


Over the weekend I heard the news that the world was going to end Monday night.

Snow!” the news shouted, grabbing me by the collar and shaking hard. “Hide your children! Shoot your neighbors! Take their groceries! Siphon gas!Β  SNOW!!

I paid it no mind. My neighbors have terrible groceries.

However because various predictions all contained the words “record amounts”, I did have to pay at least grudging attention.

For the most part, even massive End Of Days level snowstorms have very little impact on my home life. After all, I have a Subaru, and a wife who is contractually obligated to clear my driveway. That combination pretty much guarantees I’ll survive the worst Mother N. can throw at me.

But my work life is a different matter. Although I rarely have trouble getting to my office, people who don’t have Subarus (and pack mule wives) sometimes determine that I can’t go home again. Roads get closed, other announcers can’t dig out from their igloos and the rest of us have to stay on to cover their shifts, stations want their reporters on stand-by all day long, etc. The upshot is, I’ve learned through hard experience that when the going gets tough, the tough better pack a lunch and a pillow.

Looking at the forecast yesterday I figured I’d better prep for at least a two night stay in my cozy little radio studio. The storm is expected to hit hard for about a day and a half, after which it will probably be at least another twelve hours before road crews and client radio stations allow me to leave.

No problem. I’m an old hand at this. In a corner of my basement I keep a comprehensive set of supplies ready to go for just this purpose: a fold up foam mattress, a Spongebob blanket and matching pillow, and…well, that’s it. But that’s all I need, other than food. Of course though, I’m not about to keep a pile of food in the corner of my basement for any length of time. NewWifey(tm) would steal it.

That meant I had to make food fresh. So yesterday afternoon I whipped up enough calories to sustain me, my wife, several of my neighbors, and the entire adult population of Cincinnati Ohio for the next 5 months. Hey, you never know. I mean, it’s snow. SNOW!

I won’t bore you with specifics of what I made (*cough*paellachickenmoleroastveggieterrinecharsiu*cough*), just know that there was a lot of it, and at the end it was all packed into matching RubberMaid LockLid(tm) container thingies and thown into the fridge. I actually made more than I was gonna take to work – way more – because I knew that if I wasn’t there to cook for her, and there were only ingredients in the house, not finished dishes, NewWifey(tm) would starve to death. So a bunch of the RubberMaids were for her.

At 8 o’clock last night then, I hit the sack.

At 9 o’clock last night NewWifey(tm) decided she wanted a snack.

Now, NewWifey(tm) has not been feeling all that well since we returned from our busman’s holiday in Nashville last week. She gets this kind of creeping malaise sometimes when she has to stay at hotels. I think it’s a reaction to breathing actual clean indoor air for once, which is a real shock to her system. Anyway, her tummy was a little upset. Upset to the point that the gourmet fair I’d packed for her didn’t seem enticing at all.

So she made banana pudding.

Scrounging around in the cabinets she’d found a lone, forgotten box of Jello Instant Pudding mix that had an expiration date of February 2015. I don’t know when, why, or how it came to be there, but there it was. If I’d seen it, it would have been thrown out by March of 2015. Boxed pudding is the Devil’s dessert. If you’re not cook enough to make pudding from scratch, you don’t deserve to eat pudding. Or anything else, if you ask me.


NewWifey(tm) made the box of pudding. Then, in a nod to her White Trailer Trash heritage she lined the bottom of a RubberMaid LockLid(tm) container with Mini Nilla Wafers, poured in some pudding, added a middle layer of wafers, the rest of the pudding, and crumbled Mini Nilla Wafers on top. She ate some, then popped the rest in the fridge.

Guess which RubberMaid LockLid(tm) container I grabbed in my haste at 3am as I was scrambling to get out the door to go to work this morning?

Guess what I now have to live off of for the next two days while my wife gets to scarf down paella, chicken mole, roast veggie terrine, and char siu? That she probably doesn’t even want?

Dammit. Why couldn’t it at least have been pistachio pudding? Or Char Siu? (Hmmmmm. I may have to try that when I get back.…)

Anyway, that’s my tale of woe for the day. The prospect of subsisting on nothing but Southern White Trash Banana Nilla Pudding – from a box – for the next 2 days. I’m sure some kid in South Sudan is weeping for me right now.

If you’re not – or even if you are, but I suspect that pool is a lot smaller – hit the comment box below and let me know if you agree with the following statement: “Boxed pudding is the new AIDS.”






34 thoughts on “The Trouble with Banana Pudding

  1. Though it says here that I am commenting from that account so it should link. I find all this wordpress stuff v difficult. I want to add a link to your site and a couple of others to the list I already have but I’m fucked if I can work out how. I have a mooch around every now and then, in search of a way, but nada. I wouldn’t eat anything that came in a box, apart from porridge oats. That pudding does sound vile. Laters x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You poor man. I ABHOR banana pudding of all kinds and Nilla wagers are the WORST. But what I ha6e most of all in the world is Brussel sprouts no matter how prepared – raw to charred. It goes way past HATRED to AVERSION and peristalsis even thinking about them. But I would probably kill for your paella or mole. Beg your listeners to face possible death by frostbite to bring you some REAL food. Surely there must be at least ONE brave philanthropist within earshot…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol. Well then, I’ll scratch “Brussels Sprout Nilla Wafer Casserole” off the menu for when you visit. Dammit, and I’d just finally perfected the dish.

      Since you fawned so nicely, I’ll make the paella instead πŸ™‚

      Oh, and the listeners may not have a heart (or the ability to get through the blasting snow and ice), but a few fellow announcers do. A couple braved the elements a little while ago and came back with a trunk load of bagels, muffins, and other carb laden goodies for the on-staff drudges to partake of. Wheeeeeee, I feel like a star finally! Free food!!



    1. I kind of doubt we know each other, although I couldn’t say with certainty. Although I live in the area, I rarely get to socialize with even my immediate neighbors because of my odd work hours. I’m hitting the sack around the time most civilized people are getting home from work.

      But who knows? Did you grow up in Jersey, by chance?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. No, didn’t grow up in Jersey. Marilyn thought you might be an old work mate. But looks like this be the beginning of a nice on line friendship.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s windy as all get out here, but also 65 degrees and sunny. We don’t usually get our spring dump til April. I wouldn’t say boxed pudding is the new AIDS, but then again, that’s all we had growing up. I’ll let you make me a fancy, dairy-free pudding someday to convince me of the error of my childhood ways. Really, it’d be no trouble for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. One, it’s not going to snow. Don’t be ridiculous. I live in Arizona.

    Two, banana pudding of any species is vile enough to warrant an exorcism. ‘Nilla wafers are, in and of themselves, only mildly revolting until the second one, after which they too are vile.

    Three, the only boxed pudding I eat is pistachio, because I’ve never found a suitable recipe for pistachio pudding, and I like to pretend the instant Jello crap is a substitute for real food when I’m too tired to think straight. Actual pudding is something I can make in my sleep, though I don’t make it often. When I do make it, it’s inhaled at mach 3.

    Four, I’m glad to hear that some of your colleagues took pity and brought in better quality pseudo-food. Now if they’d only brought spinach.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. No snow, though we’re supposed to hit 94ΒΊ by the weekend. Hopefully it’ll cool down a little after that. I’m not ready for summer yet. (94ΒΊ isn’t summer here.)

        Liked by 1 person

          1. And now I’m thinking I need to make a nice bread pudding with raisins, or maybe some butterscotch. Though I need a better recipe for butterscotch pudding. I made some for Christmas that, while hubby said it tasted wonderful, had zero body and to me tasted at best “eh”. (I hadn’t made it before so had to do a random search online. I selected the one for which I had the ingredients. Should’ve gone for the one made with whole cream and more butter.)

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Just use a box. It’s foolproof πŸ˜‰

              Hey, gotta scoot for the day. The roads have opened, and I get to go home!

              …and bring leftover banana pudding back to an eagerly awaiting wife πŸ™‚


  5. Hilarious! I would be too dejected to get my head on for work if I missed that delicious packer you created. I’m not averse to boxed pudding (although I, too, have doubts about banana and hence never tried), who would want to give up gourmet for dry-mix in boiled water? Oh, right. You already said who. Sorry for the loss of great lunch, in any case.

    Liked by 1 person

        1. You’re right. How very ungrateful of me. Should you ever find yourself stranded anywhere in the vicinity of DangerHouse, I will make it my sworn duty to prepare a fresh Paellachickenmoleroastveggieterrinecharsiu Pudding and serve it to you. NOT from a box.

          Liked by 1 person

  6. Soooo I don’t actually know what boxed pudding is. Is it like Angel Delight? Like mousse? What is it??

    I also had to google chicken mole (which looks delicious) and roast veggie terrine (which does not) but the google images for boxed pudding are… unhelpful…. to say the least.


    1. Sooooooo…I don’t actually know what Angel Delight is. Is it like boxed pudding?

      Lol. Ok, we can stop that dance right here. I think the closest analogy to boxed pudding mix is Birds custard powder (although custard traditionally uses eggs to thicken, American puddings use starch). Does that help?

      Here’s a veggie terrine I made previously, very similar to the weekend version referenced:

      May look a mess, but…MORE WINE!

      Liked by 1 person

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