I’m Gonna Mount a Girl!

Oh my god:


I guess this was bound to happen now that Trump’s been elected. Still, I thought it would be catch-and-release. At least at first.

You know what bothers me more than anything about this story in our local paper? Our town is allowing us to hunt women inside the refuge. The whole point of that refuge was to give women a space where they could roam free without fear of predation. We voted on it, people!

Additionally, I happen to know that many of these women were raised in captivity. They have no natural fear of hunters, having been hand fed and cared for by humans almost since birth. Where’s the sport in that? This is the very definition of “cannedย  hunting”, and I for one am not looking forward to shortly seeing Dick Cheny come strolling past my house with a loaded 12-guage on his shoulder.

Which brings me to my other objection.

“Shotguns will be provided”?


If you’re gonna stuff and mount a Trophy Girl, you do NOT want her riddled with shot. I guess if you just want to mount the head on the wall, you can nail her in the chest with the choke all the way down so there’s no dispersion above the neck. But even so, a certain amount of luck is needed. If even one pellet mars the face, you have to toss the whole carcass.

No, if you’re all gung-ho to display her in the classic “She Was Charging Right At Me!” pose in your study:


you really should be bow hunting. That’s just common sense.

So that’s what’s happening in my little backwater town. At least according to our little backwater newspaper.

But of course, the actual story is not nearly as juicy. My town has not, sadly, declared open season on blondes. It’s just that ever since our paper let go of their editor and proofreaders as part of a cost saving plan, we’ve been getting lots of, well, surprising headlines (and copy) on a regular basis. I’m sure the 19 year old community college dropouts they pay $8.75/hr to file stories are doing their best. However it does occassionally lead to our wimmin folk running scared.

Speaking of wimmin folk running scared, it’s about time I checked on NewWifey(tm). Maybe stuffing and mounting a girl IS in my future!




17 thoughts on “I’m Gonna Mount a Girl!

  1. At this point, getting shot is seeming like the best of the dismal options available. But you’re right – I’d prefer my demise not be via shotgun. Doesn’t your backwater have any assault rifles and high capacity magazines available?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have always thought Jersey is odd and now that story confirms. I have been looking at a farm in Vernon and am having trouble with crossing that line into NJ. Seems it would be a riskier decision than I thought

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t know how far from Vernon you are right now, but if you’re in lower Orange County NY the move right across the line to NJ might save you on property taxes, if that’s an issue. When we were looking for a place to live up here we were surprised by the difference the few miles between Warwick NY and Vernon NJ made.

      LOL. New Jersey really isn’t that weird. Other than the annual Women Hunt, it’s actually quiet a bit nicer than the EVIL MEDIA!! portrays us to be.

      And hey, if you get that farm in Vernon we can come visit. Woo hoo! I’m literally right down the street.


      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am currently in Ulster County NY but need to expand the farm and deal with the fallout of some serious life sh** Are you familiar with Boblink? I am looking at their original location. Property is owned by the 1% which would leave me a serf of sorts…. a serf in NJ (shaking head and heading for the liquor cabinet)


        1. Do you me Bob-o-link Dairy, which had the website “cowsoutside.com”? Just off Rt.94? They’re just down the hill from me. Before the original owners sold 2 or 3 years ago they offered my wife a job. We used to buy their artisinal cheeses occassionally – they were very good, but very pricey.

          Don’t know anything about the current owners, but there are indeed a lot of 1-percenters up around here. NYC folk who buy country property to feel like they’re getting back to nature. Drives us nuts sometimes.

          Pour me a drink too, willya?


  3. Hunting is a major thing here in the back-of-beyond where I live. Where the dogs and I like to walk, hunting season is most of the year so Dusty T. Dog has his own vivid orange hunting vest. Bear has one, too, but as she’s always leashed, and Dusty never leaves us, it seems gratuitous especially as she’s a dog who likes to roll around in the snow… Mostly the hunters are after birds along the Rio Grande. It’s officially over July 15 until October 15 or so. That’s the horsefly and mosquito season, but we’re undaunted.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I bet it’s incredibly beautiful where you are. I love the idea of the dogs having safety orange vests. That’s a very good idea.

      Despite popular impressions, NJ is actually quite rural in many areas. I kidded around here about the Women’s Hunt, but we have seasons for turkey, bear, and deer – bow, rifle and shotgun – all of which are prolific. Google images for “Wawayanda State Park” to see the countryside typical of northern NJ. I live right in the middle of that park, in a small development set aside when the original land was deeded to the state by the family that originally settled there in the 1600’s.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. NJ, for having such a small geographic area, is dramatically different north to south in almost every conceivable way. The “Pine Barrens”, flat, sandy scrub land, is distinctly southern, worlds away from the combination of rocky hills and urban/suburban areas of the north. So if your view of Jersey has been wholly gleaned from Mr. McPhee’s tome, you’re missing half the picture.

          Wow, purdy pictures indeed! I love your dogs – and the orange vest is so cute! They look like very, very happy friends. You’re lucky to have them as hiking companions ๐Ÿ™‚

          Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s funny how varied the landscape can be. The Appalachian mountains were at one time the highest mountain range in the history of the Earth, but have been gradually eroding over tens of millions of years. So you have the remains of the range that are still pretty high, with rolling hills off the slopes on either side along with valleys between them, and farther out towards the edge where the scree meets the shoreline, there are flatland, brackish areas, and completely different ecosystems. It can be almost disconcerting taking a trip up and down the east coast if you’re expecting a more or less homogeneous experience. I actually love the variety, although sometimes the density of the population can get a bit stressful. Thankfully my home is in an undeveloped sanctuary, but outside of that it certainly is cheek-to-jowl at times.



  5. This was funny! My Mom and Dad would find poor proof-reading examples and send them into Jay Leno. I think David Letterman also poked fun at this one!
    I hope things settle down in the local portion of the news! Malapropisms and wrong letter placement happen, by mistakes. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Reocochran, thanks so much for reading and commenting! I loved those “Wacky Headlines” segments on Leno and Letterman. Weren’t they a hoot? It would be pretty cool if this one was featured somewhere. It would be my brush with greatness, finally!

      Lol, yeah, I know malaprops and general gaffes happen all the time. I’m not taking anyone to task over this, just perhaps giving a little insight why there might be more these days than previously. God knows I make my own share of blunders on-air, so far be it from me to call the kettle black ๐Ÿ™‚

      Thanks again!


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