Gun Shy

I’ve been wanting to post here for a while, but I’m scared.

Last week NewWifey(tm) was on her laptop browsing online pictures of kittens or hosiery or Menudo or whatever it is that modern women look at these days. Spotting a particularly squee-worthy kitty, she clicked. Immediately up on her screen popped not the adorable 3-week old Maine coon dressed in an absolutely precious sailor outfit like was shown in the thumbnail, but:

“HI!

WE ARE COMPUTER MEN GUYS IN ESTONIA. WE’VE WRITTEN A NEW PROGRAM CALLED ‘SPORA’.

CONGRATULATIONS, YOU JUST DOWNLOADED IT!

HERE’S HOW IT WORKS:

ALL YOUR FILES ARE NOW ENCRYPTED. IF YOU WANT THEM UN-ENCRYPTED, SEND US MONEY.

WE’RE NOT MAD AT YOU. WE’RE NOT MAD AT YOUR FILES. WE JUST WANT YOUR MONEY. AND WE PROMISE THAT IF WE GET YOUR MONEY YOU’LL GET YOUR FILES BACK WITHOUT DELAY OR HARM.

YOU HAVE TWO DAYS.”

I heard her scream all the way from work, 50 miles away.

NewWifey(tm) did not pay the ransom. She didn’t have anything really critical on that machine, fortunately. Although even if she did, she’d sell herself into white slavery before sending money to extortionists. So she lost about 7,000 pictures of kittens and hosiery and Menudo, or whatever she had in there. Probably porn. But not much else. Still, she was PISSED.

When I got home from work I could practically smell the fury. The acid. As her loving husband, I knew I had to do something. And because I am her husband, I knew only one thing would help.

I guffawed in her face and called her a retarded cow for not knowing how to keep herself safe online and how did she even remember to breathe if she’s that stupid until she got so mad that she chased me around the kitchen island with my good Dexter boning knife until she got dizzy and collapsed on the floor hyperventilating and nauseous.

“Thank you” she said when her color came back. “That helped.”

“Anything for you, babe” I said. “Do you need more, you stupid fucking moron…?”

Her eyes narrowed. “I said I’m fine. Don’t press it.”

“Just trying to help, babe.”

Crisis over.

But it got me thinking. If NewWifey(tm), who’s Mrs. Smarty McSmartypants when it comes to computer stuff, can get taken like that, what chance do I – who still can barely find the “On” button on his 9 year old PC –  have of not being skinned alive? My god – I might lose all my RedTube bookmarks!

How does all this tie in to my not wanting to post here lately?

Well, see, at work a little while ago I had to read a story about WordPress being hacked. Hacked BIG time.

Even though I read the copy flawlessly (of course), I had no idea what the story actually meant. To me, it sounded like anyone who’s ever even seen an ad for WordPress was now infected. As were their children. And their pets. It sounded bad.

Ignorance isn’t bliss. It’s scary. Did this mean my Dangerspouse web page was gonna wipe my computer clean if I visited it? Was my encyclopedic collection of midget revenge porn going to be shot into space, never to be enjoyed again, if I tried to post a picture of my latest culinary triumph here?? I just didn’t know. I needed to consult an expert.

“You’re being a stupid fucking moron” said NewWifey(tm). “You don’t have to worry about this because – ”

And here she started talking in tongues. That’s my best guess anyway, since I didn’t understand a word of what came after. But I nodded and looked serious, and when she came up for air I said, “That makes sense. Thanks.”

Which is why I’m here now.

But….I’m still not totally, absolutely, unequivocally without a doubt 100% dead certain about this. NewWifey(tm), after all, is not on WordPress. How would she know? (Other than reading the technical details and doing something called “research”, I mean?)

So, ah, I’m gonna ask you guys.

Any of you been hacked? Do you know anything about this? Is it something that affects us Basic Level non-commercial users, or just the Money Machines? Do I have to worry that some 14 year old in a suburb of Bucharest has found a back door vulnerability into my site and is now directing all my embedded links to some guy advertising dog killing services on the Dark Web?

Will my beloved readers lose all their porn?!

I can’t let that happen.

I do feel safe posting this written stuff at least, now that NewWifey(tm) assured me that…whatever the hell it was she said. But I still feel kind of ill at ease posting links (oh what the hell, except for this one to today’s Daily Prompt: Aware …just don’t click on it if you don’t need a professional puppy killer) or pictures of food that’s better than yours. At least until I get assured that it’s safe to do so by someone who can dumb it down for me. Way down for me. No – lower than that. Think “algae”. That low.

Anyone?

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