PORN!

For my buddy PoundHeadHere. The rest of you should avert your gaze.

OK Poundy, get out your Hitachi Magic Wand and make sure it has fresh batteries.

My collection has grown a bit since that last shot:

Le Creuset 2016

Not all of them are Le Creuset (bonus points if you can identify the 4 that aren’t), but each of them that are, were given to me on a birthday. NewWifey(tm) began the tradition of giving me one piece a year when we first got together and I told her how much I wanted one. Now I’m swimming in them. I wish she’d stop already!

…not really.

Underneath that bottom row of pots are two shelves filled with cookbooks, including every issue of Cooks Illustrated, half in a bound set, an *almost* complete set of the 70’s classic “Time-Life” food and wine series, and 3 copies of “Joy of Cooking”: one mine, one my mom’s, one my grandmother’s – a 1946 edition that is the most, um, “educational” of the bunch to read*.

Cookbooks

There’s a matching unit on the other side of the room. Both were built by NewWifey(tm) out of solid oak. The other one holds various other playthings: Romertopf, ice cream maker, stovetop smoker, the microwave, and more cookbooks (I have around 400 in all).

Those two are up against the back wall of the kitchen, one on each side of a bay window, under which is our casual kitchen dining table. Face forward and you see where the magic actually happens:

kitchen 4

Interesting side note: NewWifey(tm) LOATHES this kitchen. It is one of the few ongoing points of contention in our entire marriage.

Why?

Those cabinets are sooooooooo 80’s!” She HATES them. Hates the almond color, the slotted handles instead of knobs, the light wood trim. She’s also irked that I keep so much gear on the counters (“Why the hell do you need BOTH stand mixers out?!“). She also hates the wonky electric stove, but there’s not much she can do about that, since no gas lines run through our little mountain community and she’s scared of propane. So it’s electric, or raw.

But she does like the overhead pot rack, probably because she built and installed it herself. Women!

BTW, much as you may covet my Le Creuset collection – and well you should – my real kitchen workhorses are hanging in that rack. Those pots and pans, many from my chef days, a few purchased since, see probably 75% of the action at meal times. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you can’t make something phenomenal just because you don’t have enameled cast iron. I made my living pumping out gourmet fare for years, never once owning even a single piece. Don’t get me wrong, they are GREAT to cook with. But technique trumps everything. I know we’ve gone over this before, o’ Queen of Substitutions, but I just wanted to underscore it. Plus, I like hearing myself type 🙂

Ooo, I wanna quick zoom in on a piece you probably can’t see in the full kitchen photo:

Garlic Vampire

I put a vampire fangs sticker on my garlic holder! God, I’m endlessly entertaining….

And this classy little number normally takes pride of place on the side buffet, but I’m forced to hide it when any of NewWifey(tm)’s friends drop by. They, it seems, have a different definition of “entertaining”. Bitches.

Fart Mug 2

I was gonna wrap it up here, but since I have the folder open…

You deserve Champagne and a slice of pear-and-almond-cream tart after an orgasm like that. So here ya go:

Pear Tart3

Now go wash that thing off and put it away before the kids show up.

Ciao!

.

*1946 Joy of Cooking

And that’s just one of many….

 

 

 

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19 thoughts on “PORN!

    1. One of my favorite Futurama moments was when Fry made a joke about Uranus, and it was explained to him that scientists got so sick of hearing the jokes that they renamed it. To “Urectum”.

      In other news, I have a shirt that says “Keep the Earth clean. It’s not Uranus.” It was sent to me by the same sister who sent the mug. Either she has a fixation I don’t want to know about, or she’s trying to tell me something. Anyway, I’ll post a pic of the shirt next time the subject comes up in a post.

      🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  1. This will come as no surprise to you … your wife is right. Oh wait, there’s more! Those cupboards are awful, so awful I am now touch typing since I clawed my eyes out after seeing it (Nice looking tart though).

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        1. She always says it’s because I cook so good that I can get away with that, and many many other things. Everyone has their price. Hers is a bowl of homemade Kahlua ice cream with white chocolate chunks 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I have to agree with NewWifey(TM) on the cabinets. They’re hideous. Functional but hideous. However, since she’s the one who manages remodeling and its ilk, isn’t it her place to do something about it? She doesn’t have to replace all cabinets, simply do new doors, or paint them all some uniform color that isn’t 1980’s almond with faux-wood strips.

    And you did indeed give me an organics-ism. The tart contributed. Take that as you will.

    Like

    1. My own tart calls them “food-gasms”. They’re a regular feature around here. Sometimes I think she doesn’t need any other part of me.

      Regarding the kitchen aesthetic, you’re right. She’s Bobette the Builder. If she’s so freakin’ put out by the current state of things, why doesn’t she just spread out a tarp and start demolishing?

      This is why: IT’S MY FUCKING ROOM.

      When we moved into Dangerhouse I told her she could do whatever she wanted to any room in the house except the kitchen. The kitchen was mine. One room. That’s all I wanted. ONE.

      She agreed, and immediately went to town on every other rooms in the house. All the furnishings, all the color schemes, the layouts, the crummy cross-stitched pieces everywhere, the dinnerware patterns, the bedding, and everything else, bears her imprimatur. Not mine. Not by a long shot. Still, it’s what I agreed to in return for the kitchen.

      The kitchen is where I spend an awful lot of my time. I de-stress after work in there. I cook, on average, two meals a day there. It’s a serious working kitchen, not a display piece. She hardly ever sets foot in it. So why shouldn’t I set it up the way I like it – with very light colors so I can easily see food hues, and equipment set out, ready to go instantly?

      80’s cabinets? Faux marble pattern counter tops? Clashing black island base and side cabinet? None of that matters to me. What comes *out* of that kitchen is what’s important. Pragmatism rules there, not style. I produce very high levels of foodstuffs in “that hideous kitchen”, in large part because I’m comfortable there. Unless she’s willing to risk consuming inferior swill – or start cooking herself – bitch better keep it that way. Dig?

      😉

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      1. In that case, I agree with you. Your room, your look, and you’ve got the right to say hands-off to everybody else. I’m lucky that the Spousal Unit here tends generally to agree with me on style, though I do now and then steamroll in a piece that’s a print instead of a solid color, and occasionally even some bright colors.

        As long as you’re happy with it and it’s functional (as in, not a health and safety hazard), it’s nobody else’s business. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much!

      Lol, I was starting to feel like the entire distaff side was ganging up on me just in the name of Sisterhood with my wife.

      Hey – post a pic of your own kitchen someday so I can show her I’m not the weird anomaly she claims I am, could you? I’ll send you cookies. Cookies! 🙂

      Like

  3. Hitachi Magic Wands don’t take batteries. They plug into the wall. These are the 10-quart floor-stand mixers that bakeries use of vibrators.

    Like

    1. Hitachi put out a cordless version last year. Where’ve YOU been? Keep up, man!

      Y’know, I bet a stand mixer woud make an excellent vibrator. Think of all the attachment possibilities! “KitchenMaid” has a nice ring to it….

      Like

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