PORN!

For my buddy PoundHeadHere. The rest of you should avert your gaze.

OK Poundy, get out your Hitachi Magic Wand and make sure it has fresh batteries.

My collection has grown a bit since that last shot:

Le Creuset 2016

Not all of them are Le Creuset (bonus points if you can identify the 4 that aren’t), but each of them that are, were given to me on a birthday. NewWifey(tm) began the tradition of giving me one piece a year when we first got together and I told her how much I wanted one. Now I’m swimming in them. I wish she’d stop already!

…not really.

Underneath that bottom row of pots are two shelves filled with cookbooks, including every issue of Cooks Illustrated, half in a bound set, an *almost* complete set of the 70’s classic “Time-Life” food and wine series, and 3 copies of “Joy of Cooking”: one mine, one my mom’s, one my grandmother’s – a 1946 edition that is the most, um, “educational” of the bunch to read*.

Cookbooks

There’s a matching unit on the other side of the room. Both were built by NewWifey(tm) out of solid oak. The other one holds various other playthings: Romertopf, ice cream maker, stovetop smoker, the microwave, and more cookbooks (I have around 400 in all).

Those two are up against the back wall of the kitchen, one on each side of a bay window, under which is our casual kitchen dining table. Face forward and you see where the magic actually happens:

kitchen 4

Interesting side note: NewWifey(tm) LOATHES this kitchen. It is one of the few ongoing points of contention in our entire marriage.

Why?

Those cabinets are sooooooooo 80’s!” She HATES them. Hates the almond color, the slotted handles instead of knobs, the light wood trim. She’s also irked that I keep so much gear on the counters (“Why the hell do you need BOTH stand mixers out?!“). She also hates the wonky electric stove, but there’s not much she can do about that, since no gas lines run through our little mountain community and she’s scared of propane. So it’s electric, or raw.

But she does like the overhead pot rack, probably because she built and installed it herself. Women!

BTW, much as you may covet my Le Creuset collection – and well you should – my real kitchen workhorses are hanging in that rack. Those pots and pans, many from my chef days, a few purchased since, see probably 75% of the action at meal times. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you can’t make something phenomenal just because you don’t have enameled cast iron. I made my living pumping out gourmet fare for years, never once owning even a single piece. Don’t get me wrong, they are GREAT to cook with. But technique trumps everything. I know we’ve gone over this before, o’ Queen of Substitutions, but I just wanted to underscore it. Plus, I like hearing myself type 🙂

Ooo, I wanna quick zoom in on a piece you probably can’t see in the full kitchen photo:

Garlic Vampire

I put a vampire fangs sticker on my garlic holder! God, I’m endlessly entertaining….

And this classy little number normally takes pride of place on the side buffet, but I’m forced to hide it when any of NewWifey(tm)’s friends drop by. They, it seems, have a different definition of “entertaining”. Bitches.

Fart Mug 2

I was gonna wrap it up here, but since I have the folder open…

You deserve Champagne and a slice of pear-and-almond-cream tart after an orgasm like that. So here ya go:

Pear Tart3

Now go wash that thing off and put it away before the kids show up.

Ciao!

.

*1946 Joy of Cooking

And that’s just one of many….

 

 

 

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30 thoughts on “PORN!

    1. One of my favorite Futurama moments was when Fry made a joke about Uranus, and it was explained to him that scientists got so sick of hearing the jokes that they renamed it. To “Urectum”.

      In other news, I have a shirt that says “Keep the Earth clean. It’s not Uranus.” It was sent to me by the same sister who sent the mug. Either she has a fixation I don’t want to know about, or she’s trying to tell me something. Anyway, I’ll post a pic of the shirt next time the subject comes up in a post.

      🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  1. This will come as no surprise to you … your wife is right. Oh wait, there’s more! Those cupboards are awful, so awful I am now touch typing since I clawed my eyes out after seeing it (Nice looking tart though).

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        1. She always says it’s because I cook so good that I can get away with that, and many many other things. Everyone has their price. Hers is a bowl of homemade Kahlua ice cream with white chocolate chunks 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I have to agree with NewWifey(TM) on the cabinets. They’re hideous. Functional but hideous. However, since she’s the one who manages remodeling and its ilk, isn’t it her place to do something about it? She doesn’t have to replace all cabinets, simply do new doors, or paint them all some uniform color that isn’t 1980’s almond with faux-wood strips.

    And you did indeed give me an organics-ism. The tart contributed. Take that as you will.

    Like

    1. My own tart calls them “food-gasms”. They’re a regular feature around here. Sometimes I think she doesn’t need any other part of me.

      Regarding the kitchen aesthetic, you’re right. She’s Bobette the Builder. If she’s so freakin’ put out by the current state of things, why doesn’t she just spread out a tarp and start demolishing?

      This is why: IT’S MY FUCKING ROOM.

      When we moved into Dangerhouse I told her she could do whatever she wanted to any room in the house except the kitchen. The kitchen was mine. One room. That’s all I wanted. ONE.

      She agreed, and immediately went to town on every other rooms in the house. All the furnishings, all the color schemes, the layouts, the crummy cross-stitched pieces everywhere, the dinnerware patterns, the bedding, and everything else, bears her imprimatur. Not mine. Not by a long shot. Still, it’s what I agreed to in return for the kitchen.

      The kitchen is where I spend an awful lot of my time. I de-stress after work in there. I cook, on average, two meals a day there. It’s a serious working kitchen, not a display piece. She hardly ever sets foot in it. So why shouldn’t I set it up the way I like it – with very light colors so I can easily see food hues, and equipment set out, ready to go instantly?

      80’s cabinets? Faux marble pattern counter tops? Clashing black island base and side cabinet? None of that matters to me. What comes *out* of that kitchen is what’s important. Pragmatism rules there, not style. I produce very high levels of foodstuffs in “that hideous kitchen”, in large part because I’m comfortable there. Unless she’s willing to risk consuming inferior swill – or start cooking herself – bitch better keep it that way. Dig?

      😉

      Like

      1. In that case, I agree with you. Your room, your look, and you’ve got the right to say hands-off to everybody else. I’m lucky that the Spousal Unit here tends generally to agree with me on style, though I do now and then steamroll in a piece that’s a print instead of a solid color, and occasionally even some bright colors.

        As long as you’re happy with it and it’s functional (as in, not a health and safety hazard), it’s nobody else’s business. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much!

      Lol, I was starting to feel like the entire distaff side was ganging up on me just in the name of Sisterhood with my wife.

      Hey – post a pic of your own kitchen someday so I can show her I’m not the weird anomaly she claims I am, could you? I’ll send you cookies. Cookies! 🙂

      Like

  3. Hitachi Magic Wands don’t take batteries. They plug into the wall. These are the 10-quart floor-stand mixers that bakeries use of vibrators.

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    1. Hitachi put out a cordless version last year. Where’ve YOU been? Keep up, man!

      Y’know, I bet a stand mixer woud make an excellent vibrator. Think of all the attachment possibilities! “KitchenMaid” has a nice ring to it….

      Like

  4. Came to see the Le Creuset … nice.

    Read the kitchen rant and laughed. It’s bad enough having someone in the kitchen (getting in my way) when I cook but having someone wanting to redesign it … well, I would get homicidal. I inherited the house and the kitchen and after 30 yrs in it, I’m too old and used to things to redesign it. Love the Uranus mug. That’s the kind of astronomy I can get behind.

    Come over and visit sometime. I cook for me and take way too many pictures. But I’m always chuffed at seeing notices about new comments.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow, thank you so much for the lovely comment! Glad we have the same low standards in mug humor 🙂

      And of course I’ll now drop by and visit your place. I must see this storied kitchen of yours, as well as the wonders produced there 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My kitchen … the house was built in the 20’s or 30s and the cabinets, well can you say cheap pressed wood reno by the people who bought it to rent/flip and lost it to the bank? My immigrant parents didn’t have the money to redo the place (spent their money sending 2 kids to university so they’d come out with no outstanding loans) and by the time I owned it I couldn’t afford to do so. One day, I may actually take a picture. Guess that means I should really wash the floor first. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

          1. I have excuses for the dirty floor. At 62 with 3 hip replacements, kneeling to scrub the ingrained dirt is a challenge. Actually, kneeling isn’t the issue. It’s the getting up that’s the problem.

            And then there are the climbing issues. When my bulb blew out in the ceiling fixture last week, I climbed up on 3 kitchen chairs 3 times in 2 days to replace it. Turned out I had dropped the package of bulbs and the cheap filament had broken free and was just resting on the connecting wire, so it burned out again. Twice. I decided not to risk it again so until I can budget for a step ladder, I’m using a small bedside lamp on the kitchen table for light. Makes cooking and taking pics a bit dicey.

            Liked by 1 person

  5. WOW! I think I’ve only seen as many Le Creuset together in a store in Paris! seriously, you are not fooling around…

    love the Uranus mug… priceless.. .and what a beauty that pear tart, you are very tartalented (sorry, this one did not work, did it?)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Sally! Thank you for not pointing out that my collection is just another example of me overcompensating for my shortcomings 🙂

      Haha! Yes, mature science types love a good anus joke. It’s my favorite drinking vessel to drag out when company come over. Which probably explains why we don’t have company over any more….

      “Tartalented”? Sigh. Good thing you’re good at research. Leave the jokes to the pros. Lol…but I appreciate the sentiment! A compliment from you about my tart (the edible one) is a compliment indeed 🙂

      Like

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