Phat Fat Rhymes

A few years ago my buddy Mike, upon becomming engaged, decided to bulk up for the Big Event. Not by lifting weights, but by lifting beers. And anything else that wouldn’t stretch his esophogus to the tearing point.

Maybe he was trying to see if his betrothed really loved the INNER him, and not just his $8/hour Radio Shack assistant manager’s salary. Whatever the motive, he was successful. Between his initial tux fitting and the wedding day he had to have his suit pants let out three times. His neck was thicker than my thigh. (Mike and Spouse are also devoutly religous, although I try not to hold it against them.)

For a wedding present, rather than cash (which would only be sunk into canolli, I’m sure), I penned this heartfelt opus and had it nicely framed.

(I wrote this in his bride’s voice):

My Biggest Love

Would Gluttony were no great sin!

So plaudits heaped upon the thin

Could stretch beyond their sallow skin.

And Heaven’s gate could open wide

To carry you, my Love, inside.


But rules He made we’re bound to keep,

So next to you I vow I’ll sleep.

‘Tho it worries me that as your wife

I’ll have to use the Jaws of Life

To extricate you from your Jeep.


Some say your life will end in fire,

Some say ice.

From what I’ve seen of your desire

For tacos heaped as if a pyre

Tall as any steeple spire,

I side with those who favor fire.


But then I think of how you drink

Milkshakes seeming from a sink.

You’ve never, ever skipped a slice

Of some dessert you thought was nice

(or even had to be asked twice).

So now I side with those who argue ice,

As arteries do also close from sweets

And will suffice.

(Copywrite DangerBard)

To show you the mettle he’s made of, Mike now has it hanging in a prominent spot in his broom closet. He’s still fat.




6 thoughts on “Phat Fat Rhymes

  1. Dear DangerBard,
    So, in addition to Chef, Radio Star, Sex Fiend, and Exemplary Husband, we must now add POET. I think you have earned an A+ in both Clever and Versify 101. Congratulations! Your resume is growing ever and anon more impressive!


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