I have this really sick friend who sent me these really sick jokes when he heard I was really sick, hoping they would cheer me up. They did. So I’m paying it forward and passing them on to you, Gentle Reader. You’re welcome.
Be warned though, my friend is really sick and these jokes certainly reflect that. If they’re too sick for you, blame Dawson. Not me. Also know that I’ve held back the REALLY offensive ones. Yes, there were worse ones. Write if you wanna hear them. Sicko.
Why am I passing along jokes practically guaranteed to make (most) people think ill of me? Well, aside from the fact that I’m used to people thinking ill of me (I’m in the media, remember):
1. They’re funny.
2. I secretly hate you and smile at the thought of your impending discomfort.
3. The “Daily Post ‘Prompt of the Day‘” prompt is “Jokes”. And I’m nothing if not prompt.
4. A-cuttin’ and a-pastin’ is a lot easier than a-typin’ when you’re recovering from elbow surgery. Have I mentioned that I just had elbow surgery? I mean, today?
There are other reasons, but…elbow surgery. Can’t type more. Here’s the goods:
My friend gave me his Epipen when he died. It seemed very important to him that I have it.
What’s the difference between an ISIS encampment and a preschool?
I don’t know. I just fly the drone.
A man went to a library and asked the librarian for a book on committing suicide.
The librarian looks up and replies, “Forget it. You won’t bring the book back.”
When I was a child I was traumatized at my birthday party. Right as I blew out the candles my grandma died from a heart attack. It kinda messed me up. I mean, I still have birthday parties. I’m now just careful what I wish for.
What’s the hardest part about being a pedophile?
When my brothers girlfriend got cancer, he did something really romantic and proposed to her on the spot to make her feel better. You see, ladies? We men can be romantic and spontaneous. We just don’t like long term commitments.
What’s the difference between jam and jelly?
I can’t jelly my cock down my wife’s throat.
What’s the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.
Jesus may have walked on water but Steven hawking can run on batteries
A man calls in sick to work. His boss says, “You don’t sound very sick to me.”
The man replies with, “I just fucked my sister. Is that sick enough for you?”
A guy’s wife is acting weird, so he takes her to the doctor. The doc comes out
and says “Well, after doing some testing, we’ve decided she either has Alzheimer’s
“What do we do?”
“Drop her off about 2 blocks from the house. If she finds her way home,
don’t fuck her!”
What did the little 8 year old blind girl with Down Syndrome get for Christmas?
A guy isn’t feeling good, so he goes to the doc for some tests. The doc comes
out and says, “Well, the results are in. You have 10 to live.”
“Ten what? Weeks? Months? Years?”
The doc says “9…8…7…”
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac
are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
“Let’s have sex with a cat!” says the zoophile.
“Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it,” replied the sadist.
“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it,” shouted the murderer.
“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again,” said the necrophile.
“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it,” said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said: “Meow.”
Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their babies at the OB/GYN waiting room.
The first one takes a pill out of her purse and says, “I want my baby to have a strong nervous system, so I’m taking a folate pill.”
The second one takes a pill out of her purse and says, “I want my baby to have healthy blood, so I’m taking an iron pill.”
The third one takes 5 pills out of her purse and downs them all, saying “This is thalidomide.”
The other two women look in horror. “WHY?!”
“I just fucked up the sleeves on this sweater” she said.
A family walks into a hotel. The father goes to the man at the front desk and says “I hope the porn is disabled”. “I’m sorry, it’s just regular porn.” the clerk replies.
While examining the body of Mr. Smith, the mortician notices that Mr. Smith has the largest penis he has ever seen. The mortician decides that such a great penis simply cannot be cremated, and needs to be preserved for the future, so he cuts it off, puts it in a jar to preserve it, and put it in his briefcase. When he gets home, he simply has to show his wife. When he gets home, he pulls the jar out of his briefcase, and the wife exclaims “Oh my God, Mr. Smith is dead!”
Asians drive so bad I’m starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.
A young girl comes home one day and approaches her father, who is sitting in the living room.
“Daddy,” she says, “a strange man did something bad to me at the park today.”
The father, suddenly very attentive, turns to face his daughter. “Oh, god… okay, sweetie, you need to understand that it absolutely wasn’t your fault, and you will not get in trouble for telling me about it. Can you explain what happened?”
“Well,” the girl begins, “I was playing in the sand, when the man came up to me and told me to come with him behind a tree.”
“Oh, god,” mutters the father. “Then what?”
“Then he pulled down his pants and showed me his thing.”
“Oh, god!” the father exclaims. “What happened next?”
“Then,” the girl continues, “he pulled up my dress and touched me on my underwear.”
“Oh, god!” shouts the father. “Sweetie, what happened after that?”
The girl answers with a shrug. “Nothing. That was it.”
“Well make something up, I haven’t finished yet!”
Hey, have you played the Oscar Pistorius drinking game?
You wait for your girlfriend to go to the bathroom, then take 4 shots.
My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sisters panties. It didn’t help that they were still on her. Or that all of his family was there too. It really made the rest of her funeral really awkward.
Why did Jesus die on the cross?
He forgot his safe word.
Two guys in a prison shower:
Guy1: You wanna play the rape game?
Guy1: That’s the spirit!
A woman goes to her doctor, and the doctor notices her black eye and asks what happened. She breaks down crying and explains that her husband comes home drunk all the time and beats her.
The doctor says “I’ll fix that for you,” and hands her a small vial of liquid. “Next time he comes home drunk, drink this and gargle it until he goes to sleep.”
A month later she comes in, black-eye-free and asks, “What was in that liquid? He hasn’t hit me once since I started using it!”
“Water” the doctor said. “You just needed to shut up.
What’s the worst response to “I love you.” ?
“I’m still pulling the plug, grandma.”
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
What’s the difference between a good ISIS joke and a bad ISIS joke?
“Mom, why am I getting my Christmas present in July?”
“Because it’s cheaper than chemo.”
A middle aged man and a little boy are walking in the woods late one afternoon. As the sun goes down the boy says to the man, “Hey mister, it’s getting dark and I’m getting scared!” “How do you think I feel?” the guy says. “I’ve gotta walk out of here alone!”
If you enjoyed any of these half as much as I did…you’re a horrible person. And again: blame Dawson. I don’t make the news, I just report it.
Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.