Recently I’ve been worrying about:
* 80+ killed in Nice. Expect “Christine un Camion!” cartoon on Charlie Hebdo’s next cover.
* Boko Haram members still enjoying regular sex with 5th graders (plus, they rejected my application, dammit).
* Walter Palmer still masturbating in front of Cecil’s stuffed, mounted head every night.
* President Donald Trump.
* 7/11 (seriously, how are they still in business?)
* Syrians running in terror from people trying to kill them are accused of being the people trying to kill them.
* Brits believed Nigel Farage’s bus, vote to Brexit, and the NHS gets a £350 million per week surprise. Britain gets Boris Johnson as their new representative abroad, and Theresa May can now make good on her vow to eat Larry the Cat.
* 99% of scientists are in agreement that global warming is real, man made, and soon to be irreversible. The other 1% are determining policy.
* Venezuela has replaced the Weimar Republic as the gold standard for hyperinflation (that’s a little joke for you history buffs, as the W.R.’s problems began when they decided to drop the gold standard and…oh, never mind). It now costs 38-billion bolívar fuertes and a chicken for one beauty pageant breast augmentation.
* Did they find that missing Malaysian airliner yet?
* Did they find that missing EgyptAir airliner yet? (Oh wait, I think they did.)
* Fukushima is expected to be a jillion gigawatt nightlight for some time to come.
* “Kony 2012” sure did a lot of good, didn’t it?
* A head-on train collision in Italy means 27 commuters are going to be late for dinner. Forever.
* There’s an attempted military coup going on right now in Turkey. Yes, again.
* The United States Supreme Court building has the words “EQUAL JUSTICE UNDER LAW” chiseled into stone blocks over its front entrance. Inside the front entrance, justices can’t consider the Equal Rights Amendment. Because it hasn’t passed yet. Because some genders are more equal than other. Under law.
* The Zombie Apocalypse has arrived, with Pokemon Go as the viral vector.
* Antibiotics sure had a good run for a while there, didn’t they?
* Which side of ‘Black Lives Matter’ are you on? If you’re not on mine, I’LL KILL YOU!
* President Hillary Clinton.
* Orlando nightclub massacre by lone gunman prompts sensible gun control legi –
* Sandy Hook elementary school massacre by lone gunman prompts sensible gun control legi –
* Future lone gunman massacre will certainly, for sure, this time, prompt…ah, fuck it.
* EATING PUSSY CAN GIVE YOU THROAT CANCER, PEOPLE! That’s 30% of my diet!!
* EATING RED MEAT CAN GIVE YOU GASTRIC CANCER, PEOPLE! That’s 70% of my diet!!
* For some reason buildings made out of discarded cooking oil containers and brown paint keep collapsing in Bangladesh, killing thousands of 9-year-old indentured servants inside.
* I was actually going to write “40% of the worlds oceans are now covered in plastic” in an attempt at humor through exaggeration. Then I read a recent study in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences that said the number is 88%. Funny, huh?
* And several other things.
But then remember….
I CAN’T DRINK ALCOHOL FOR THE NEXT WEEK BECAUSE MY ELBOW OPERATION IS THIS FRIDAY.
And suddenly all those other things don’t seem that bad.
See? It’s all about perspective.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go have a…