79 Years Too Late

But better late than never, which is what I was starting to think was going to be the case.

Good bye Antonin Scalia. You bloated, pustular, two-legged carp. All the wrong infants die of SIDS. You were a waste of sperm, and the world is the worse for your having graced it. You were the anti-Bowie. To almost quote Hunter S. Thompson when Richard Nixon died: there was a pockmarked wall out there with your name on it and I’m bitter you were never made to stand in front of it. Not that I think mere firing squad bullets could have pierced the thick cladding of impenetrable evil and ignorance that barded whatever passed for your heart. But it would have been worth a try.

Good bye Antonin Scalia. I almost wish I wasn’t an atheist so I could take comfort in knowing that for all eternity you will now be kneeling next to Andrew Breitbart sucking Satan’s cock. And when Cheney gets there after his 5th or 6th torn-still-beating-from-an-orphan’s-chest heart gives out, he’ll be boning you up the ass while you’re doing so. It’ll be just like when he was in office, but without Liz watching this time. Until she dies, of course.

Good bye Antonin Scalia. You were the worst thing to ever come out of New Jersey, and that’s an almost unimaginably high bar. Whenever someone would say something disparaging about New Jersey in my presence, no matter how outrageous or untrue, I never argued because I knew we produced you. I’d be less ashamed if Pol Pot was born and raised here.

Good by Antonin Scalia. My fervent wish now is that your wife Maureen and your 9 children (9 children! You weren’t satisfied with just fucking the country every chance you got, huh?) all die of heartbreak. Or in a bus plunge. Whatever. As long as they die. I don’t want there to be any chance your genetic markers will continue to pollute the human pool.

Goodbye Antonin Scalia. You destroyed more lives than Spanish Influenza, bubonic plague, and Bill Cosby combined. If you had your way you probably would have reached numbers not seen since the K-T Extinction, but fortunately you were at least partially thwarted by the Elder Wand and Ash’s Pikachu. Along with some of the more human members of the Supreme Court.

Goodbye Antonin Scalia. It’s ironic, but not surprising, that you keeled just hours before the holiday that celebrates affairs of the one organ you were never blessed with. I’ll keep Valentine’s Day forever in my heart now because of you. God bless us, every one.

The question now of course is who is going to replace you? Frankly, I don’t care. Almost anyone I could name is a better American than you. David Duke is more sensitive to diversity. Kim Jong-un is more tolerant of dissent. The explosion of fecal stains NewWifey(tm) refuses to scrub out of every pair of underwear I own has a higher Milk of Human Kindness quotient. The AIDS virus has better P.R.

I cover the depth of human depravity every day in my capacity as Lame-stream Media News Dissemination Bot. Puppy rapers. Reverse mortgage Svengalis. Vegetarians, even. None of it has any effect on me, courtesy of my carefully constructed professional wall of empathy fatigue. The only thing, the only thing, that has without fail ever put me in danger of violating the FCC’s stricture against “fleeting expletives” on the air is reading a Scalia opinion. And I’ve been on the air with Michele Bachmann.

Now I’m not so Pollyanish as to think that someone who meets even my lowest standards of Acceptable Humanity will have a chance in hell of being appointed, let alone be confirmed by a hostile senate, to replace Cthulhu Scalia. But whatever compromise robot they eventually throw that robe onto, it’s gotta be better for America than the corpse they just tore it off of. At least this is happening on Obama’s watch, not President Trump’s. Can you say “Associate Justice Ivanka”? He can.

Well, I gotta hit the sack. It’s the night before Valentine’s Day, and I need to be well rested for the traditional tsunami of chocolate and pan-orifice sex tomorrow. I just hope NewWifey(tm) can join me this year.

Goodbye Antonin Scalia. And one last thing: fuck you. I hope you burn.


16 thoughts on “79 Years Too Late

    1. Hey hey, welcome! I suppose I should offer my condolences as well, you having discovered me. And don’t worry, next time I won’t beat around the bush so much. It was late, and I was tired (and drunk), so I really couldn’t do the subject justice this time. (Get it? “justice”? God, I slay sometimes.) 🙂


  1. Well you already know my view on politics. It smells worst than liverwurst on limburger cheese, left out in the sun for a week and dipped in sulfur. I hope now that the wicked witch is dead, Dorothy absconds far and wide with the ruby slippers of integrity, which were being held hostage by the evil witch’s combined stench and extreme prejudice.


    1. But…but…I love liverwurst! Of course you’re right, though. Dorothy now has at least a fighting chance against the flying monkeys of regression. Let’s hope….no, you know what? It’s never gonna happen. We’re all doomed regardless. I’m too jaded and bitter to think otherwise anymore. But yeah, at least those were killer shoes. Red’s a good color for her, too. (Hey kiddo, how do I get one of them nifty neato little icons next to my name like your compass there? That is too cool.)


      1. It’s called a gravatar – you create it (by uploading) here: http://en.gravatar.com

        Let me know what you want on your gravatar and I’ll cook it up for you, email to you, and you can upload there. Then whenever you comment on anybody’s WordPress or whatever, your choice of warped little picture will show up.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. By the way, sent you three options for your own gravatar. If you have something else in mind and it’s not too illegal, please let me know and I’ll see who I can bribe to get it. Except politicians. I hate politicians, damn their grease-laden little carcasses.


  2. Vegetarians? In the same realm as Scalia? I am having a releasing ceremony for New Jersey right now. I don’t have one of those Mexican fireplace things, so I am just lighting matches. Hope you can feel the love.


    1. Not sure yet. There are too many buttons. It’s a lot like a digital woman in that regard. I’m sure I’m gonna press the wrong one and cause a disaster, just like I do with them. And all the YouTube tutorials I’ve brought up are an hour or longer. A lot longer in many cases. I just wanted to find out how to add a picture, and consolidate my e-mails to one address. AND DELETE THE ADDRESS IT FOR SOME REASON HAS WHICH HAS MY FULL REAL LIFE NAME IN IT!! Holy crap, I can’t believe WordPress somehow got a hold of that, after I’ve been so carefull to keep my real name off the web for, like ever 😦 I probably watched 2 hours worth of vids and still never found out either one. (I’d also like to figure out how to get that picture of the guy holding his head off my page. Is that going to be my start page from now on??) I really feel like bagging it sometimes and hiding my head in the sand, but I’ll give it a few more tries before I decide. If I keep getting frustrated, it might not be worth it.

      That doesn’t mean I don’t love you still, though 🙂


      1. Your real name is NOT on the web. Silly boy! It’s just a log-on for this account. It’s a bogus email we set up for you so we could go in and get you set up. I certainly did not want to ask you for your real email, so we made up this one. NOBODY will ever see it. NOBODY. The guy holding his head is NOT your start page. Write more and he will go away as he slips down the screen.. He is only on ONE page! You are set up to display 3 pages at once. So write more and let him slide away.


        1. You know what? If I listen closely…verrrrrry closely….I think I can actually hear you rolling your eyes at me all the way from here. Wow.

          Ok. Whew. So “My Name” @ Google.com is NOT the e-mail everyone sees? That’s an incredible relief. What are they using it for, then, though? Can I have them delete it? And on the subject of e-mail…I am not getting any when someone comments on my entries/comments here, even though I check the “Notify me” box. Do you think they’re sending the notifications to that fake G-Mail account?

          OH! You didn’t set that pic of me holding my head as my home page? I’m ashamed of you – that would have been a GREAT prank. Ah well, I’m relieved to hear it. Thanks for that.

          Well now. Once I sober up I’ll have to toss something up here and see what happens. Maybe a recipe for Tater Tots….


          1. I fixed it so you only see one entry at a time. It might take a while for the change to show up but more than likely, by the time you get up for work it’ll be fixed.

            The notifications are being sent to the google email address because that’s the one that was used to set this up. I don’t know if your regular email will get messages from google, but I’ll find out. Between Poolie and I we’ll do our best to get you pointed in the right direction.


          2. Lei can re-fluff it. Right now, just relax. Have fun. Just log into your site with that dummy email and your pending comments are there. So just keep writing while I continue to noisily roll my eyes.


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